THE ROMANS ARE COMING Roman helmet (noun): A fetish in which the male partner lays his penis down the length of his partner's nose with his balls resting upon his partner’s forehead. Watching last night’s debate was like watching John Kerry give G.W. a 90-minute roman helmet.
VERBAL JOUSTING: I’m guessing “voshifishly,” is a mispronunciation of “vociferously?” Does he even know what the word means? Is that the University of Miami football team or Karl Rove yelling, “De-fense, de-fense!” What is this nu-ca-ler proliferation? “I know who Osama bin Laden is!” Right. So why’d you just say Saddam Hussain attacked us when it was Old dirty bin Laden? It was a slip, but it proves Bush has confused the lesser threat with the greater one, as Kerry aptly points out. “I wake up every morning worried about America.” Of course you do, you’re running our country. You SHOULD be concerned. You should get points for doing the most obvious part of your fucking job? “I’m so sad about Bobby Joe, who died in Iraq. Give me a moment while I pinch myself behind the podium to make my eyes well up with tears.” Oh, the crocodile tears. That was low, even for him. I thought to myself, so this is what a man looks like when he’s getting his ass kicked. He cries his way out of it. Read this for a real breakdown of the debate’s key points.
LOVE ME LONG TIME Peace out, suckers. I’ll be in Shit-cago on business until the end of next week. Will you miss me? When I return, I’ll be another year older, but I won’t be any wiser. If you just can’t stand the lack of Pencopal in your life, slip into something more comfortable and click here. Come on, we can do it all over again. It’ll be like the first time.