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THE PENCOPAL PROJECT

2004-09-30 - 12:12 p.m.

EVEN NERDS TRY TO FUCK YOU
This morning when Howard Stern’s radio show offended me (a daily practice, though I keep coming back for more), I flipped over to the hip hop station. This wack ass song that reminded me of my college years was on. “You put your hand upon my hip, when I dip, you dip, we dip.” It brought me back to the year when I was a freshman. I had a communiations theory class and a major crush on these two guys who sat near me. I’ve always been partial to guys who were slightly geeky, and these two were on the more geeky side. But I found it endearing, and since I was going through a celibate phase, I thought they’d be safe. They invited me to a party and told me to bring all my girlfriends. Yeah, all two of them. I’ve always had more male friends. Wait, don’t all girls say that? Anyway, we show up, and it’s totally a party, if eight of the most pimple-faced, cheesiest dudes standing around in a dimly lit room illuminated only by a black light is your idea of a party. Cute Boy 1 comes up to me and says, “Hey, glad you could come.” Cute Boy 2 starts talking to my roommate. #1 sits me down and pours me a screwdriver. It’s a large glass of vodka with a small splash orange juice. As I sip it I think, whoa, even geeky guys try to get you drunk. The very annoying “You dip” song comes on, and #1 pulls me up with the ever-so-seductive admonition, “Dance with me.” Who are you, Patrick fucking Swayze? I’m thinking, dance to this? He must’ve watched MTV for three days and practiced for four, because he has the steps down pat. (Wait, there were steps to that song? For this guy there were.) I look over at my roommate and #2 is attacking her with the You Dip dance as well. I give her the high sign and we get the hell out of there, after drinking up their vodka, and afer they tried to hook up with us.
So when I hear that awful song, which for some reason is about twice a year, I think of Cute Boys 1 and 2, nice nerds who want to fuck you. Don’t forget the debate tonight, where Kerry stops Bush from trying to fuck you, and taking another four years to do it.

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