2004-03-02 - 1:50 p.m.
Stingy bastards.
Today, I found out I will receive, for the fiscal year 2004, a raise of exactly $802. Oh, and 57 cents. $802.57. For staying late, coming in early (okay, maybe not more than 15 minutes early, but a girl needs her beauty sleep) and working through lunch four days out of five, I received $802.57. After taxes, I think it comes out to about $20 per paycheck. Nice raise from an international medical publishing company with assets out of the ass. �Next year we�ll get our normal increase of at least 4 percent,� says management. Next year�s promises are not helping my pay this year�s student loans, you skeetbags.
What, oh what will I do with this glorious extra $20? I have some ideas:
I could drive directly to the bank, get the extra $20 in dolla dolla bills ya�ll, drive back to the office, take a dump in the executive rest room, wipe my ass with each dollar bill, and leave one of the desks of executives of my choosing. A token of my appreciation for the raise.
I could go to a titty bar, put on some skanky lingerie, stuff the dollar bills all over my drizzles, and take pictures with the strippers. With all those dollars, I�d look like the hottest dancer in that joint. I�m not sure what, exactly, this would accomplish, but wouldn�t it be funny?
I could donate to the �Save Pastori-i� welfare fund, a not-for-profit organization willing to pay for his concert tickets for the next year.
I could give it to a co-worker for the next pizza she buys. Maybe it�ll help her to stop complaining about her weight as she eats pizza faster than cookie monster and makes nasty comments about how thin I am, tomato sauce dripping down her face.
I could buy part of my concert ticket for The Darkness, but I can�t find anyone who wants to go. What�s wrong with �I BELIEVE IN LOOOOOO-OOOOVE, OOOHHHHH, OOOOOOH�? My friends just don�t get it.
I could buy some �mood enhancer� that would allow me to show up to work every day, singing Bob Marley songs with a huge grin on my face. The giggling would never stop, and the work environment would be much more palatable.
I�m getting bored with trying to figure how to make that $20 last, but the fires of my bitterness shall never be extinguished. Medical publishing�s supposed to be lucrative, but it�s actually beat from where I stand. Oh well, at least I�m getting a master�s degree on their dime. Haha, suckers!
p.s. An agent asked for an author bio and a sample chapter this morning. Woo freakin� hoooo!
�
�
