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THE PENCOPAL PROJECT

2004-03-03 - 9:36 a.m.

Dear Howard Stern,

Your jig may be up.

Remember the days when you could use a spatula to smear globs of cream cheese on a stripper�s ass? Remember the times when a dancer�s strong sphincter could guarantee a good game of anal ring toss?

Or how about weighting the wheel of sex so you and your boys can constantly circle �problem areas� on a contestant�s body? Those days may be gone. The FCC has a bug up its ass about you, and once that bureaucracy gets focused on something, careers go down the tubes. Hopefully this time, it�ll be yours.

Part of me loves your show. Where else can you listen to the dregs of society try in vain to validate their pitiful existence? Strippers, scumbags, hoes, pimps (and by this I mean the guys who bring their girlfriends in to get naked), all of these people congregate on one morning show. It�s one stop shopping for those of us who have good jobs, to hear how �the other side� lives. You exploit them, and I don�t fault you for that. They like it. We like it. Everyone�s happy.

But another part of me hates you. You allow call-ins to say the n-word more than they say �the.� Robin, who�s your get out of jail free card (of course I like black people, look at this bitch over here!), just sits there, being paid for her silence and the occasional perfectly placed giggle. You claim to be an equal opportunity racist, so you disparage Asians and Latinos. That�s not equal opportunity. Let me hear you say something about your own people. No, I�m not talking about the guy you pay to call up once a month and call you a hook nosed Jew. That�s obviously staged. I never hear any callers rant and rave in an anti-Semitic tone, the way they rant and rave against black men and women. You let them call up and talk shit until just about the point where even Robin starts getting pissed off. These are bonafide racists, people that truly hate, not people that are saying obnoxious shit for a laugh. Those of us who have experienced it can hear the difference, and that doesn�t go down easy with your morning coffee.

If you�re not going to stop allowing callers to continually throw around racial slurs (and lets face it, you�d probably lose half your audience if you did), then spread the racist wealth. Let everyone get a turn, including your own people. Stop using your radio show to get back at all the black kids who kicked your ass when you were growing up. You�re always talking about that shit, and you�re a grown ass man � get over it. I would�ve kicked your ass, too, because chances are you were a whiny little prick who deserved to get beat up. Some of those kids probably tormented you, not because you were Caucasian, but because you were a meatstick. For all you know you could�ve went to a school that was lily-white, your utmost desire, and you would�ve been beat up because you were Jewish. You never know who your tormentor is going to be, and why.

So for that reason, I sit and listen with glee as you spend half of your show whining about the FCC and blaming your blunder on Janet Jackson�s tits. Hopefully they�ll take your show off, that blonde that�s using you for your money will leave you, and you�ll spend the rest of your days with your dick in your hands, watching repeats of yourself on E!

Sincerely,

Pencopal

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