2004-04-15 - 2:05 p.m.
Today marks three years for my boyfriend and I, so if you don�t like mushiness, skip this one, buddy.
I finally saw �Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.� It was such a beautiful movie, and I thought it really got to the heart of what makes love work, or not work. Charlie Kaufman totally gets it. It boils down to a choice: if you keep count of all the little irritants and idiosyncrasies of the one you love, it�s going downhill, quick. But if you make the choice to focus on the love rather than the pain in the ass personality quirks, happiness is within reach. I guess I was in a really emotional space, because as we exited the theatre, my eyes welled up with tears. My boyfriend turned to me and said, �That was awe� are you crying?�
I started laughing as the tears fell from my eyes.
�Yes. It�s stupid.�
�Aw, was it the movie?�
�No, it�s just that I erased something I shouldn�t have, and watching that movie made me feel like maybe I erased us.�
He gave me a hug, looking like he couldn�t tell how to respond, because there I was, alternating between crying and laughing.
�I must look like a fucking lunatic right now,� I said between tears and laughter. He tried to retain his concerned look, but I contorted my face, so he burst out laughing, too.
�Why are you being so silly?� he asked, putting his arm around me.
�I erased the tape,� I said through a sob. �I fucking taped an episode of Alias over the beginning of our relationship!� I started to laugh. �My obsession with Jennifer Garner got the best of me. I couldn�t miss Alias, but now there�s no record of our beginning!�
�What tape? I didn�t know there was one,� he said, handing me a tissue.
I told him about the first night we hung out, how my friend had recorded snippets of the party we were at. We kind of flirted in front of everyone, and she got it on tape. Sometimes, when I got sentimental, I�d put the tape in and watch it, searching for signs on my face or his of how happy we�d be together the future. I�d pause it when his big hazel eyes landed on me and try to see if there was any indication of how much love and fun and joy he�d bring into my life. I always thought I could see it there.
�So you see, it was on tape, the beginning, and I just HAD to watch Alias and totally didn�t realize what I was recording over,� I said, back to crying again.
�Was it a good episode?� he asked.
I punched him in the shoulder.
�Hun, it�s okay. It�s just a tape, you and I know how everything began and that�s all that matters. We�ll make more tapes, lots of them. And we�ll label them all,� he said, poking me. He was trying to make me laugh, but he also seemed touched that I�d treasured the video of that memory, which he knew nothing about.
I dried my tears, and realized he was right. �We don�t need no stinking tape,� I said, Tony Montana style.
�I love you.�
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