2004-06-09 - 10:21 a.m.
I�ve long wondered about the forming of Pastori-i's maniacal mind. I believe I've found the linchpin that holds together his madness. His father, a thwarted musician who was up against Michael McKean for the role of David St. Hubbins in �This is Spinal Tap,� was determined to make sure Pastori-i succeeded in the world of rock, as he never could. Last night, when Pastori-i�s blood was more PBR and JB than hemoglobin, he came out of his crustacean shell and shared a bit of his past. The result: Pencopal will guide you through the sordid voyage that is Pastori-i's adolenscence.
MAKING THE MIND OF PASTORI-I
INT: PASTORI-I FAMILY BASEMENT
15-year-old Pastori-i sits in a straight-backed, cushionless wooden chair. Father of Pastori-i (FOP) stands before his massive record collection.
FOP: (puts on record and plays air guitar) Let�s see if you learned anything from last week. Who sings this song? Da don don da don, da don don da don. Ahhahhhhhhhh-ow!
Beginning of Led Zeppelin�s Immigrant Song streams out of the speakers.
PASTORI-I: Um, The Who?
FOP (yelling): Noooooooooo! Led Zeppelin, you asshole. Is this the son who has sprung forth from my loins?
PASTORI-I: Dad, no.
FOP: You brought this on yourself. You will know the value of rock and roll if it�s the last thing I do.
FOP hands Pastori-i an article of clothing. Camera close up on the hand-off, it is indeed a pair of lacy women�s panties. Pastori-i puts them on over his clothes.
FOP: Now if you don�t get this next one, it�s the bra for you. (Switches record. Mimes keyboard playing) Ding ding ding ding, ding ding ding ding.
They listen to the beginning of The Who�s Baba O Riley.
PASTORI-I: I know, it�s Velvet Underground!
FOP (roars): You failure! What are you doing at night, listening to your mom's Joni Mitchell albums? (hands Pastori-i a padded 38 double D, which Pastori-i wears over his wife beater)
FOP (scans record collection): You�ve got one more chance to prove that you�re a man. If you don�t get this next one, you�ll be wearing your mother�s dress.
PASTORI-I (squares shoulders, finds his balls, looks FOP in the eye): Bring it.
FOP (again with the air guitar, but this time, it�s Hendrix style): This one�s easy. Meu, meu, meu, meu, da da da diiiiii.
Purple Haze mind fucks the Pastori-i family.
PASTORI-I (stands up in triumph): I know this, it�s Jimi Hendrix!
FOP (beams with pride): Right, right, but what song?
PASTORI-I: Foxy Lady!
FOP (hands son a pink flowered muu muu, walks away dejectedly): Damn you, son, damn you to hell.
PASTORI-I (alone in basement, wearing panties, bra, and muu muu): Eff you, Dad, you effing eff. I�m going to be a rock and roll writer, you wait and see. (Puts on Phil Collins album, sings along) I can feel it coming in the air tonight.
End Scene
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