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2004-09-27 - 11:00 a.m.

Donít forget to watch the first presidential candidate debate on Thursday. Hereís the transcript of a debate from the last election. Does The Bush wear an earpiece during these things, because I canít figure out how he could string together a coherent sentence without it being piped into his skull. At any rate, The Pencopal Project stepped into an alternate universe this weekend, and brought back a transcript of how the debates would've ended up had The Bush answered without the help of his handlers.
LEHRER: Good evening, and welcome to the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida. Iím Jim Lehrer, anchor and executive editor of the NewsHour on, PBS. And I welcome you to the first of three 90-minute debates between the Democratic candidate for president, John Kerry, and the Republican candidate, George W. Bush.
President Bush, you have questioned whether John Kerry has the strength and leadership skills to be president of the United States. What exactly do you mean?
BUSH: What I mean is, if you wanna hang out, you've gotta take her out: Cocaine. Ya see, if you wanna get down, get down on the ground: Cocaine. Ya know, she's alright, she's alright, she's alright, Cocaine.
LEHRER: Mr. Kerry, your rebuttal.
KERRY: [says something very intelligent and presidential-ish]
LEHRER: Next question. President Bush, the War on Iraq has been an important issue throughout this campaign. Through what method will you bring our soldiers home, should you get reelected?
BUSH: Listen. Halliburton, Halliburton, Halliburton. $100,000 for 10 nails, that's what's up. Further, if you got that lose, you wanna kick them blues: Cocaine. Understand? When your day is done, and you wanna ride on: Cocaine. She's alright, she's alright, she's alright, Cocaine.
KERRY: [outlines an intelligent plan to stop the senseless deaths of our soldiers, and to shift to the UN the burden of helping Iraq heal.]
LEHRER: Last question. How do you plan to address the health care crisis Americans have to contend with?
BUSH: Rich people can pay their bills. Only poor people are facing a health care crisis. My policies for the last four years have shown I donít give a fuck about anyone other than the wealthiest 1% of the country. But to answer your question, Jim, if your day is gone, and you wanna ride on: Cocaine. Don't forget this fact: You can't get it back: Cocaine.


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