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THE PENCOPAL PROJECT

2004-09-14 - 12:40 p.m.

CATCH IT IF YOU CAN

Does anyone watch Survivor anymore? I stopped watching it after the first one, with the scary truck driver chick and the ugly naked dude. What was his name, Snatch, Hatch? Who cares. Heís a nonentity now. Todayís featured show on one entertainment media site today is Survivor Vanuatu. Vanu-who? Fuck that. Letís play a new game.

SURVIVOR: VD

AIRS: When pigs fly (or on HBO)

PREMISE: Eighteen players, ranging from ages 21 to a Viagra-enhanced 71, will vie against each other for the grand prize. Nine of the players, both male and female, will be infected with a sexually transmitted disease (old skool name: venereal disease, hence the title). Theyíll be burning from a variety of infections: herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, Hepatitis B, pelvic inflammatory disease, syphilis, human papillomavirus (warts included), trichomoniasis, and cytomegalovirus.

TEAMS: The producer will set up the teams to ensure that there are at least four diseased participants on each side. Heíll draw a straw to see which team will get the extra burner and which one will get the really ugly guy who no one wants to sleep with. All participants will be tested before coming onto the island.

MEDICAL ASSISTANCE: A doctor will be located in the ďIce HutĒ with special salves to put out any vaginal or groinal fires. Lesions will be lanced on site. For cosmetic reasons, of course.

GAME PLAY: Each week, one player will be voted off the island. The reason: either he or she is newly infected, or really bad in bed. Will the burners band together and pick off the unsuspecting healthy players? Will viruses become dormant or will chancres heal? Will a sexually skilled yet infected player remain on the island because a healthy player, while disease free, is a really bad lay? Itís anyoneís game on Survivor VD.

WINNING: The last man or woman sitting will take home the $1 million dollar prize. It takes a real warrior to sit on an ass full of warts.

LOCATION: The Survivor VDís base is located near the South Pacificís "Ring of Fire," a region of heavy volcanic activity. Itís said that the townies have the good shit: those special meds thatíll stop the bleeding and oozing with the quickness.

CAST: Nine male and female hos picked up everywhere from executive bathrooms to titty bars. Eight healthy, sexually safe innocents. One Hilton.

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