THE PENCOPAL PROJECT
2004-09-07 - 12:05 p.m.
LIFE LESSON #8,542
DO have many peach cosmos at a piano bar while a very muscular bartender sings Hedwig songs in a blonde wig.
DON’T forget that you’ve been drinking since three, it’s now 10, and that’s a glass full of peach vodka, not peach flavored water.
DON’T get drunk at a karaoke bar in the East Village and perform “When Doves Cry,” completely off key and barely able to stand straight. Even the other drunks will laugh at you.
DO get your karaoke-virgin boyfriend completely trashed and encourage him to sing Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher.”
DON’T get completely turned on by his performance and drunkenly slobber all over him in public.
DO keep a tally of everything you’ve had to drink: One Mike’s Hard Cranberry, one blue WLD, two Absolut Vanilia and cokes, three peach Jello shots, three peach cosmos, two Malibu Bay Breezes, one unidentifiable shot (something green), and another shot containing some Jager.
After drinking for 12 hours straight, DON’T do a shot called Red Headed Slut, even if it is free.
DON’T remember to keep the aforementioned tally only after you’re hugging your new, porcelain best friend. For the third time the next morning.
DO laugh when the cabbie pulls over right before the Queensboro Bridge and threatens to kick your rowdy ass out of his cab.
DO laugh loudly when your boyfriend’s brother calls the cabbie a goddamned fool before stumbling out of his cab. Laugh harder when his boyfriend stays behind to curse out the cabbie. You’ll hear the words "greedy,” “running up the meter,” “rude,” and “almost killed us,” sprinkled through his three-minute diatribe.