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THE PENCOPAL PROJECT

2004-08-17 - 4:26 p.m.

MASS QUANTITIES OF SHIT

I’ve been ingesting many martinis, many movies, and many books throughout my hiatus from school. Try this drink on the beach:

Wild Chauncy Surprise

½ glass Malibu coconut rum

½ glass Red Passion Alize

Splash of orange juice

Each time you walk back to your beach house to relieve yourself, fill up an empty water bottle with more Wild Chauncy Surprise. It’s not as strong as a cosmo, not as weak as a beer. And if you sprinkle some crack on the top, it’s lovely.

I needed this alcohol because I couldn’t get into a good reading stride on my vacation. I started with Sue Monk Kidd’s “The Secret Life of Bees.” I thought it should’ve been called “Secret Life of Bordeom,” until it struck a nerve by reminding me of my own fucking mother issues. Then I was bored and mad. Who needs that? So I tried some fluff, chick-lit style. “Confessions of a Shopaholic” is the worst book I’ve ever read in my entire life. Though I appreciate the friend who lent it to me, I wouldn’t wipe Pastori-i’s ass with that book, unless it had jagged edges that would give his anal tissue permanent scars. So I moved on to movies. “The Company,” with Neve Campbell and Malcolm McDowell: interesting, but what was the fucking point? During “The Dreamers” I was treated to a display of the biggest nipples I’ve ever seen. Everyone made a big deal about Michael Pitt’s cock, but no one said a damned thing about Eva Green’s half-dollar sized nipples. They looked like headlights on a Mini Cooper. I was scared. “The Shape of Things” was a nice mini-mindfuck, but the surprise ending isn’t much of a surprise, because the audio that plays during the DVD menu is sampled from the movie's climax, giving the entire thing away. Brilliant.

After watching “The Station Agent,” I’m of the solemn opinion that Peter Dinklage is a hot fucking dwarf. By the end of the movie, I had a little crush on him, no pun intended. “Pieces of April” was surprisingly multicultural, since Katie Holmes has always been a little too Wonder Bread for my taste. But any movie with the guy who plays Jack on Will and Grace gets an automatic “A.”

The saving grace of my vacation reading was “The Time Traveler’s Wife.” If the other books I read were scratchy wool, this novel was pure cashmere. I haven’t cried that hard from reading since I read “She’s Come Undone” years ago. From the first few pages this book reached into my chest and grabbed my heart, relinquishing it only with the author’s last words.

 

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