THE PENCOPAL PROJECT
2004-08-05 - 12:48 p.m.
I’d like to say thank you to whoever reads this shit. In the past month we’ve received 1,000 hits. That’s a lot for me for one month, so thanks for reading, and tell your friends. And your grandmother. And Dave Chappelle. In fact, I’ll tell him myself.
Dear Dave Chappelle:
Congratulations on your new contract. As the little cartoon at the end of your show says, You’re ri-och, bi-otch! Remember before you were hugely famous, when you were skinny like a beanpole and high all of the time? Well, that’s how I am now, minus the beanpole part, and minus a foot and a half. And minus a cock, plus a vagina. Basically, we’re nothing alike, except for the high part, but I have an idea for your show, one that only you could pull off. Anyone else would get lynched, but for some reason, people like you to rub their prejudices in their face. Check me out:
Scene begins with NEWS ANCHOR GUY standing with a camera man in front of an office building.
NEWS ANCHOR GUY: We’re here at Pencopal Incorporated where a new diversity workshop is underway. We’ve heard the results are innovative, yet shocking.
News anchor guy and camera man walk inside. The employees are a veritable rainbow coalition of every race you can imagine. A short, regal looking black woman, wearing a white lab coat with cappuccino mounds of delight spilling out of her shirt, appears to be in charge. As news anchor guy walks toward her, camera pans around, catching snippets of conversation.
GUY #1: Good morning, Spic. How was your ride in this morning, with 15 people crammed into your Geo Metro?
GUY #2: My ride was fine, Nigger, except the watermelon-eating crackwhore I fucked last night gave me crabs, so I’m pretty itchy. Hey, tell your wife to get that taken care of.
Both men laugh and walk away.
PENCOPAL: Good morning, Channel 6, and welcome to Pencopal Incorporated.
NEWS ANCHOR GUY: We hear you’ve got a new diversity workshop. Tell us about it.
PENCOPAL: We found that other diversity workshops didn’t work. They taught employees to suppress their true feelings about each other, which led to stress and decreased productivity. With Project Truth Hurts, employees are encouraged to say how they really feel, rather than censoring themselves. The results are astonishing. Because of the level of honesty, employees are able to move past their prejudices and form a cohesive, productive team. Watch this. Good morning Arab, blow up any buildings lately?
GIRL #1: No, I was too busy slaving for your black ass. If it weren’t for affirmative action, you’d be the janitor here instead of the CEO. Have a great afternoon!
GIRL #1 walks past GIRL #2
GIRL #1: Hey, Jew, are your people still being cheap and claiming our land as your own?
GIRL #2: Yeah, are yours still bombing everything in sight and running all the Dunkin’ Donuts and gas stations in this country?
Both girls laugh and walk away. Camera pans to the other side of the room.
GUY #3: Good morning, beautiful chink, I hear you’ve got a tight pussy. Two dolla, sucky sucky?
GIRL #3: Hey, cracker, I hear you’ve got a small penis. No sucky for you, little man.
They smile at each other and walk away.
NEWS ANCHOR GUY: But how is this helping? It sounds like people are just saying awful things to each other.
PENCOPAL: This is only the beginning of the program. Step one was to allow people to give voice to the stereotypes they believe to be true. Step two, which we haven’t reached yet, is to challenge those stereotypes. Employees will be given the opportunity to respond to what they hear, rather than smiling and walking away, as they do now. Step three is to make the voicing of stereotypes optional. We believe that 95% of the employees will return to a normal way of interacting, but they’ll be changed, operating on a true sense of inclusion rather than a forced one.
NEWS ANCHOR GUY: What about the other five percent?
PENCOPAL: We’ll take them out back and beat them. Incidentally, if someone other than an employee were to attempt to participate in the exercise, the results would not be pretty. The five percent who choose to keep voicing stereotypes during step three would receive the same punishment. Would you like a demonstration?
PENCOPAL invites NEWS ANCHOR GUY’S assistant to take part in the exercise.
ASSISTANT (in a cocky manner): Good morning fudge packer, did you take it up the ass yet today?
GUY #4: What did you say to him?
ASSISTANT (laughing): I asked him where is butt plug was.
GUY #4 punches ASSISTANT in the face. GUYS #1, 2, and 3 jump in and start hitting him. GIRL #1 picks up a chair and bashes the ASSISTANT on the head. GIRLS #2 and 3 get in kicks where they can, as the other employees join in the fight.
PENCOPAL (facing forward, kicking ASSISTANT behind her back): Thank you for visiting Pencopal Incorporated. We hope that Project Truth Hurts will become a model diversity workshop for all other companies. You're more than welcome to come back to document our progress during steps two and three
NEWS ANCHOR GUY: This is Channel 6 news, and I’m out.
Camera focuses on the melee one more time before fading out.
Mr. Chappelle, this would be hysterically funny on your show. We could fill it out a little more, adding more stereotypes to make sure we offend everyone equally. And because of steps two and three, you could get more skits out of it. If this idea doesn't appeal to you, go smoke a bowl, then come back and read it again.