2004-06-11 - 11:18 a.m.
Last night I let my love of lactose interfere with my life. After lunching on three scrumptious pieces of pepperoni pizza from La Cucina Fanti (doesn�t that sound like it translates to "The Fantastic Coochie?"), my lactose-intolerant ass spent the rest of the day wishing that purging was an option. I thought being immobile would somehow alleviate the bloated, painful monstrosity that was my stomach. No dice. I was on the couch, watching the 2004 MTV Movie Awards when random questions and thoughts crept into my mind.
I GOT 99 QUESTIONS BUT A BITCH AIN�T ONE
1. When normal humans can�t find the right word, we say, �um.� Li�l Jon says, �Yeah, whowhat?� His way is so much better, but why did some of the other celebrities look scared of him?
2. What is with America�s obsession with Paris Hilton? Oh, that�s right, blonde, vapid, extention-wearing skanks are the shit right now.
3. What the fuck did Lindsay Lohan�s parents feed her? Mammary supplements?
4. Who told that big titty bitch she could dance? Somebody lied to you, sweetie.
5. Why didn�t Rachel Dratch, who made a guest appearance as Lohan�s mother, host the show? Does Rachel Dratch get laid? She�s kind of fugly, but is she funny enough to paper bag fuck?
6. What was that thing sticking out of Karen O�s dress? From the front, it looked like a dildo.
7. Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Beastie Boys, D-12? Who let a meatstick pick the musical acts? Should�ve been Velvet Revolver, Franz Ferndinand, and Li�l Jon/Usher.
8. Why do the Beastie Boys look like three middle-aged dads? Cocaine�s a terrible drug.
9. Why do I want to fuck Mark Ruffalo?
10. Why do I want to fuck Jake Gimme-your-jelly-in-the-hall?
11. Why do I want to fu-okay, I got horny midway through the show.
12. When did MTV become Music Television for Pussies? �Cause it was really lame that they beeped out most of Sandler�s ode to weed.
13. Doesn�t that guy from the X-Men sequel (Shawn Ashmore) look like one of the hobbits?
14. Uma Thurman�s got a great body, but why is it ruined when she opens her mouth?
15. Why did Ellen, in that Spiderman outfit, give me such a major douche chill?
*So there aren�t 99, but who the fuck would read all of that?
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