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THE PENCOPAL PROJECT

2004-03-30 - 11:30 a.m.

Some asshole wrote “Why my wife won’t sleep with me: Confessions of a dependent male,” for New York Magazine. He paints himself as a sensitive guy, who stays at home and watches the kids while his feminist wife goes out and conquers the publishing industry. After all that housework and freelance writing, all the poor guy wants is some attention and some sex, but his independent wife (he mentions this independence a few times, with negative connotations, of course) is too busy worrying about her mag’s trim size.

Boo fucking hoo.

Dear Sean Elder, author of this insipid article:

You’re regurgitating the same old bullshit about women being frigid and men being randy, but because Mr. Mom wrote it, we’re not supposed to be offended by it. Fuck that. The article offends me because I know plenty of women who like sex on a daily basis, and their men can’t keep up. So don’t make broad statements like, “if men weren’t always hungry for it, it would never happen.” Maybe that’s how it is in your marriage, but it’s not the case for everyone. Perhaps you can’t get laid because you’re doing something wrong. Here’s some advice:

1. Nobody likes a fucking whiner. It’s not hot. She’s wielding large amounts of power all day, then she has to come home and listen to you whine about a missed dinner. Take your balls out of their velvet case and reattach them. It’s no wonder she’d rather read.

2. You know how dogs are cute for about ten minutes, but their constant sniffing around your ankles gets really fucking annoying? That’s you. If you’re always sniffing after her, making the lack of sex an issue, it’s the surest way to hell. Grow some balls. If she’s on that “I’d rather read” bullshit, steal a kiss, and make it such a good one she can’t remember the name of the novel. You’ll be teabagging it in no time. I had a boyfriend who was always begging begging begging, and the more he begged, the more repulsed I became. Granted, that had something to do with the fact that he gave new meaning to the word scumbag, but the begging dried up any juices that were a’flowin’.

3. Where’s the romance, buddy? Your attitude is, "It’s 9:30, the kids are in bed, let’s get it on." Mmm, not so much. You sound like the guy who does the two kisses, two fingers, tug the nipple, p-p-p-penetration maneuver. Again, not hot. Just because it’s a certain time of night doesn’t mean you’re entitled to sex. You want it, work for it. Your article mentioned nothing about trying to find out what makes her hot, because you’re too busy whining about what she doesn’t want (you). Maybe you’re boring and predictable in bed. She might be getting off more on her magazine launch than your boring blow job/missionary position one-two punch. Perhaps if you massaged her with sensual oils before bed, “To get the stress out, honey,” you’d be writing a different article: “When your woman can’t get enough: Confessions of an oversexed (but happy) husband.”

So quit your bitching and mix it up a little. You started to get it at end of the article, where you write, “And think of how much more relaxed you’ll feel after I fuck you against the wall in the hallway.” Nice. Move that up to the lead, and rewrite the article and your sex life.

Sincerely,

Pencopal, Bitch on Wheels

 

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