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THE PENCOPAL PROJECT

2004-02-20 - 4:36 p.m.

INTERIOR: A petite young woman sits at her computer, corresponding with a friend from her old job. She wears a black vinyl cat woman suit, with a bright pink boa wrapped around her neck. A pair of bongos rest to her left, just in case she gets the urge to play. Nag Champa incense burns, creating a meditative mood.

On the other side of town, a young man sits at his computer. Through a haze of cigarette smoke he can barely see his screen. A crisp can of Pabst Blue Ribbon sits to his right as his favorite Best of Foreigner CD streams out of his speakers. The room smells of corn chips and feet.

PENCOPAL

I think tomorrow night we're finally going to check out NXNW.

PASTORI-I

Let me know how it is. I'll be there in a month or so to see a band called Enon. Yeah, you never heard of them, I know. They're good. Who's playing tomorrow?

PENCOPAL

(Rolls her eyes at his self-appointed stature as Philadelphia�s rock and roll guru.) Groove collective. This bartender, who always seems to put my favorite songs on the jukebox, said they were awesome, and he�s getting people together check it out. So I'll bring my boyfriend. We need to get out, and after this week, I've got to burn off some steam.

Enon schmenon. Don't waste your cash on that bullshit, spend it on your Jet/Vines ticket, Biatch.

PASTOR-I-I

(Takes a sip of beer, belches.) Boy, you're always batting 1,000. Groove Collective is the lamest band I've ever heard in my entire life. I'd rather see Julio Iglesias. I'm gonna get that ticket, don't you worry. I still have some time, maybe like two or three weeks, before that jawn sells out.

PENCOPAL

(Wonders, who says jawn anymore?) Fuck you about that band. Not everything that�s great falls into the category of psychopathic metal.

PASTORI-I

(Scratches his balls, lifts up his right ass cheek to fart.) FYI - Psychopathic metal rules. Stop playing yourself every single second of every single moment of your existence. Don't make me sing the Lorenzo's song, foo fighter.

PENCOPAL

(Foo fighter? Is that an insult?) You know, rather than listen to that shit, you should come to NYC w/ me to this workshop where you yell and hit pillows for two hours. It's refreshing, and much better than the lame ass thrashing you do at one of those poseur shows you attend, using up all your cash and making you more broke than usual. I�ll sing the Lorenzo�s song: LORENZO'S, THE GREATEST PIZZ-O, I WALK A MILE-O, FOR LORENZO'S.

PASTOR-I-I

(Wonders how much he could make for writing such a brilliant song. Reminds himself to work on the accompanying guitar chords.) Just so you know, I just paid a whopping $4 for my [insert lame ass band here] ticket next month. How much were those Jet/Vines tickets?

Lo-Lorenzo's,

The biggest slice-o,

I walk a mile-lo,

For a slice-o

(Keep repeating from the time you leave the bar until you get there. Sing in exact refrain I sang it to you.)

Go in there and get a slice and tell me it isn't the best pizza on earth. At least you'll remember the song I wrote and remember to go there now. You'll go in there, get your slice, eat it, love it, and be like, "Damn, Pastori-i is always right. Every single time, he's right." And then you'll start singing the song and everyone will join in. And then you'll have a new tradition and you can thank me for it.

PENCOPAL

(Envisions herself brandishing a giant needle with which to pop that helium-inflated head of his) Haha. Damn, I was so tipsy I last week don't remember the words!

You really need to calm down with the �Pastori-i is so great" talk. The first sign of psychosis is a personal illusion of grandeur. This you suffer from, greatly.

PASTOR-I-I

If you can't take my ironic "build-my-ego-up" small talk, then you just aren't as great as I am. Get it?

PENCOPAL

Touch�. Now why don't you cry about it?

If YOU can't take MY ironic "stop building-your-own-ego-up" small talk, then YOU just aren't as great as I am. Get it?

snoochy bootches.

PASTORI-I

BLAM! Right back at me. I wonder who was the super-intelligent guy that came up with the good old "take Pen-hole�s e-mails, tweak them, and send them back to her" trick?

snoochy BOOCHIES. Biatch.

PENCOPAL

HAHA! Please. Let's not act like the concept of using someone's words against them was dreamed up by the great and powerful Pastori-i. Intelligent people have been doing that for years. Your only first is being an unintelligent person who makes use of that trick.

Pencolizer: 5

Pastori-i: -12

PASTORI-I

Only two adjectives in your response made sense. "Great" and "powerful". And they were descriptive of who? Me.

"I'm the man. I'm the man. I'm so bad I should be in detention." -- Anthrax, 1987

Pastori-i-i - Pencopal's created nickname, and her only somewhat funny contribution to e-mail

Terrorizer - negative nada

PENCOPAL

(Daydreams about wringing his beer-infested neck.) I hate you.

PASTORI-I

(Raises his arms in triumph.) XXOOXXOOXXOO

END SCENE

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